Monday, 29 August 2016

The Pun Chronicles - Story #2 - The Root of All Evil

The gang lounged around the house, some playing videogames, others sleeping on the floor next to the mattresses. The halls, both of them, were thick with pungent smoke, condemning smokers and non-smokers alike to the bliss of nicotine. Rum flowed freely, depleting at rates that would alarm most geologists.

This would seem, to most, a story about a group of friends in their mid-twenties. A group that had not yet transitioned into the mundane, humdrum existence of middle age, but had grown up sufficiently to have gained some semblance of control over their life. It would seem so, and yet, it wasn’t. The characters in the story we are about to read were not in their mid twenties, but in their late teens. A fortuitous twist of Fate had brought them everything a teenage mind could possibly dream of in abundance, and much too soon for their frail, impressionable minds to have come to terms with it appropriately.

It had all begun with Miso. Miso, 17, had spent his entire early teen years wasting away his creativity without releasing so much as an EP. And despite harsh remonstrations from his friends, and even a rooftop intervention session, he had always put it off in favour of finishing the next best videogame to come out on the market. But on one fateful day, the prodigal son decided to be prodigal no more.
The inspiration came to him in a flash, and he quickly jotted down a paragraph, badly edited, onto his notepad.

Ecstatic at his sudden outburst of creativity, Miso sent the paragraph to Mimi, expecting a gracious, but honest review from his friend. Mimi, also 17, misconstrued Miso’s intentions, and thought he was being asked to collaborate on the construction of the story. Pretty soon, the entire crew of teenage would-be writers were in on it and a fantastic fondue of frivolity ensued, resulting in a tale that catapulted the gang into the annals of history.

The book, written mostly tongue-in cheek, unexpectedly rose to cult status and gained a readership worldwide that was previously only reserved for masochistic-romantic novels. The money flowed in and the gang were celebrities before they had a chance to get their bearings.

And so we find them, a year later, whiling away the days in idle leisure, surrounded by empty bottles of rum, overflowing ash trays and empty pizza boxes. The creative frenzy of the year just past had long since died, and they lived amongst the squalor of teenage luxury.

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On this particular day, the gang had, incredibly, tired of eating pizza and decided that they would cook up a meal that day. Uzi, the chef par excellence, compiled a list of ingredients and immediately dispatched his butler, Rammsey, to the grocery story.

On his return, Uzi took control of the kitchen, stirring, sprinkling, coddling the ingredients until they melded into a blissful concoction.

“Dinner is served,” he called, over his shoulder.

The gang slowly trudged into the kitchen and, heaping large portions onto their plates, made their way back into the two halls. Uzi himself joined them, his neatly combed beard quivering in anticipation.

“It’s too salty,” complained Chims, squinting her eyes at Uzi.

Uzi frowned. He was sure he had got the proportions right.

“Yeah, something’s off, bro,” Mimi concurred.

This got Uzi off his seat. That Chims griped about food was understandable, expected even. But two out of three was not just happenstance. Something was wrong.

“Guys, hold on, I think something is--” began Uzi, worry flooding into his tone.

“Calm down, man, it’s not inedible, just not up to your usual standards,” said Mimi.

“No, I really thin—“

“Dude, Uzi, like, ya, just sit and eat off,” Godse interjected.

“Leh,” concurred Ashley.

Thus outnumbered, Uzi returned to his seat, eyeing his plate suspiciously. His friends seemed unconcerned, but he could not fight the feeling of impending doom that was growing inside him.
Even as his mind painted picture after stark picture of despair, Uzi’s morbid reverie was interrupted by the sound of violent retching to his right.

Nixon had collapsed to the floor, right next to the mattress, and was vomiting his guts out.

“Nixon!! What’s wrong?” Miso asked, frantically, “Did someone give him whiskey?”

“No, dude, he hasn’t had a drink all day,” said Mimi.

The gang crowded around, trying their best to get Nixon to stop vomiting, but it only got worse. And then, when with the latest heave, Nixon threw up blood, then panic took complete hold of them.
Uzi stood between the two halls, looking first one way, then another, unable to fathom how things had come to this.

His friends were collapsing all around him, as if being stricken by the plague, but with exaggeratedly accelerated effects. Helpless, he watched as, one by one, they were struck down by bouts of vomiting, finally collapsing lifeless in puddles of puke.

Suddenly, Uzi connected the dots. He rushed into the kitchen, rummaging through the ingredients Rammsey had gotten for him. And soon enough, the blood draining from his face, Uzi held up a bottle in horror, becoming the very personification of mortification.

“R-Rammsey!!”

“Yes, sir?” asked Ramsey, calmly.

“This is beetroot jam.”

“Yes, sir”

“Did you do this on purpose? Betroot-hful."

“Yes, sir.”

“But wh...” The last question died on his lips as all strength left Uzi and he too fell to the floor, dead.

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Six months later, the double halled apartment stood empty, bereft of all evidence of the vulgar Hedonism indulged in by its previous inhabitants. And yet, it remained unsold.
Some say the reason for this was that, if one stood in any one of its two halls, one could feel a presence. They could feel the souls of the stricken teenagers still trapped within the eight walls of the two halls.

And then, one would get a faint scent. The scent of rum and cigarettes, the scent of pizzas and chicken. The scent of teenage life at its best and worst.

Some said the house was unsold because it...

Smells like teen spirits.

Thursday, 25 August 2016

The Pun Chronicles - Story #1 - A humble account of affairs

So, this boy, extremely good looking and quite intelligent, made a plan with his friends, who admired him no end, to go to the Shalimar dam in the rural realms of J&K, a land which no country can claim for its own.

"Let's go," exclaimed Usman, "on a Shalimar-ch."

"Oh, Usman," gushed his friends, "how do you come up with this stuff?"

"Ah, pshh pshh," said Usman, dismissively, not used to hearing his praise sung so unabashedly, "let's change the subject. How are we to get there?"

"We can take my van, my father won't need it this weekend," said Ghulam Rasool, helpfully.

Ghulam Rasool liked helping his friends. Helping his friends made Ghulam Rasool happy.

"That's great!" exclaimed Usman, in his sultry, bluesy voice.

"Oh, Usman, what a nice voice you have," exclaimed Sameena.

But Usman was already on his way to Friday prayers.

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Saturday morning arrived with a smile, glistening dewdrops dripping onto the noses of lazy canines lounging under trees.

Usman awoke, waking all his friends up, for he was righteous and responsible, and then Ghulam Rasool cooked them all a wonderful breakfast because Ghulam Rasool enjoyed helping his friends. He made eggs and toast and bacon and milkshakes, but Usman did not eat the bacon because God would be very angry.

And so, the friends set off in Ghulam Rasool's van to Shalimar Dam. The path led through a thickly wooded area, unmolested by humankind because some benevolent benefactors had fenced off the area, claiming a property dispute. There was no doubt an altruistic motive to these property conglomerates, for massive corporations always have the best interest of laymen in mind.

As a result, the friends' trip was rendered exponentially more enjoyable by the accompaniment of the chirping of birds and the dancing rays of the sun that filtered through the leaves of the trees on both sides that arched overhead, as if in respect to the beauty of Usman.

Suddenly, Usman, with his exceptional audio fidelity skills, heard the call of an ape. His radiant smile darkened into a slightly subdued and worried look, as his encyclopaedic knowledge base also included the knowledge of the various implications of different animal calls. And he knew this particular call to be a call of alarm, signalling the close proximity of a feared predator. Usman, with his beauty, could never be mistaken for a feared predator, so it must be in the wild.

Through faultless logic, Usman concluded that the postulation that a wild predator's presence in the wild was a safe bet and had more plausibility to it than the other theories flitting through his magnificent labyrinth of neural pathways.

Just as he had decided to act according to this theory, he heard, with the aforementioned exceptional excellence in audio fidelity, a growl.

The ominous sound waves did not seem to have filtered through the trees but seemed to be perilously close. Usman whirled around and espied a spotted leopard with a hide second in beauty to only Usman's himself, straining every muscle to keep up with the van, that was trawling along at a weary pace.

"Why are we driving so slow, Ghulam Rasool?" asked Usman.

"It's the weight. Because of Diabetic Dawood," answered Ghulam Rasool.

Seeing the leopard catch up, Usman slid open the sliding door, and, using his impressive upper body strength, hung by the arms and aimed a kick at the leopard, trying to deter him from keeping up the chase. The leopard, taught by instinct and evolution to react and adjust to the most insignificant of manoeuvres by its prey, contorted its body shape and swung a paw at Usman's leg.

Usman would have been in serious trouble, but, hardened by an upbringing of severe severity and hard hardship, his instincts were as finely honed as the leopard's itself, and so he flinched away from the counter attack.

However, Usman's jeans were not sentient and so did not have the same skill set as Usman himself, and so were no match for the leopard's claws. The sound of shredding rent the air and Sameena screamed, imagining Usman's beautiful skin suffering imperfections from an animal as unevolved as the leopard.

"Oh, the humanity!" she exclaimed.

However, realizing that the loss was sartorial and not body partorial, she calmed down and fainted into Usman's arms.

"Usman, I always knew you were braver than Mel Gibson, but what if you had been injured?" Ghulam Rasool asked, as he parked the car at the Shalimar Dam.

"Frankly, my dear," Usman said, "I don't give a dam."

And that was the jean claw'd van dam experience.

Wednesday, 24 August 2016

Deus Ex Machina

Hercules had his twelve great tasks,
Odysseus fought his way back home,
Victory sweetened their mead flasks
And, overflowing, stained the loam.

Rejoice! For all the greatest of men
Now set off for Olympian bliss,
For reprieve from the wrath of the siren,
For the vestal virgin’s kiss.

I am the contraption they deign to use,
The Deus ex Machina, if I may;
If such exaltation I ever was to refuse,
May Hades take me that day.

Onwards advanced the heroic guild
Intermingled with demi-gods;
Majesty so manifest in their very build
That all who beheld them were awed,

Hercules, Odysseus, Oedipus, Achilles,
All assembled on my platform;
Dionysius followed, Harbinger of causalities,
Wreaking chaos with his horns.

My strength held fast, my stance stood firm
As Divinity graced, at last, my vestibule;
But hark! What crawls? There crawls a germ!
Alas! That Fate must be so cruel.

My strength, now failing, succumbed at last,
Like a dinghy in a storm-swept wharf;
My will, that for the Gods, persevered steadfast
Crumbled before a lowly dwarf.

Ever lower I fall, descending forever
Into the realms of Kerberos
Until a soul manages to sever
The bonds that tie me to this dwarf.



Monday, 22 August 2016

Ode to a Night-in-gale

Blustery, billowy, howled the cruel winds;
A shower advances, then reconsiders, rescinds;
Depth perception suddenly gone all awry,
We are trapped! The mimic, a Night and I.
We need nourishing, victuals, food,
To combat the abyss and its darkened brood;
“Fear not!” spake Demi-God, “I’ll cook some chicken fry,
Then we can eat our fill, the Mimic, a Night and I.”

And so off he went on his uber-heroic task,
Donning always his ultra-violet protective mask,
“I dare both Fate and Common Sense to defy,
Just so we can eat, the Mimic, a Night and I.”
But Fate allows not rebellion to its tyranny.
It stole through the night and drained all the honey.
“Hades curse thee, thief, may your blood curdle dry!
What now shall we eat, the Mimic, a Night and I?”

Silence reigned supreme, not a whimper came forth
From the winds, the rains, the thunder or the Earth;
“May the Gods have mercy, oblivion draws nigh;
This must be the end of the Mimic, a Night and I.”
Just then a wraith descended from the chaos of clouds,
Wailing laments as heart rending as they were loud.
“Revel, now, Demi-God, revel in this bestial gore
Hear me, and hear me well. Thou shalt starve, nevermore!

But smile not yet, beautiful friend, one more rule must thou descry.
Only you may eat these prawns. The Mimic and a Night must die.”